Champions

October 13, 2008

I’m so stuffed.

The guy who sold me my condo last year had a gigantic aquarium that housed his twenty year old turtle. Swimming around with his turtle were two obese goldfish that were meant to be turtle-chow a few years ago, but who had somehow survived. Apparently their weight gain was attributed to their penchant for turtle food. According to Jarrett (the previous owner), there was a third fish who ate so much turtle food that it appeared to be busting at the seams. When he came home from work one night, the fish had exploded – like a kernel of popped corn – and was floating inside-out at the top of the aquarium.

Anyway, that’s how I feel.

My parents and I witnessed a drug deal. We were in the parking lot of this sleazy fast food joint not far from their house. It was around nine o’clock. A huge unmarked white truck pulled up and stopped diagonally in the middle of the parking lot, and a young guy in a fur coat went up to the window, handed the driver an envelope and was given a package. Then the white truck peeled away and Mr. Fur disappeared into the night.

I can’t help but wonder if the preposterous fur coat and suspicious white truck were really necessary elements of that whole sequence of events. If I were going to pass off a package of illicit drugs, I would do it Nancy Botwin style and pull up in a Toyota Prius looking totally sweet and innocent. It’s almost as if these guys called each other up beforehand and said “let’s make this shit mad obvious, son!”.

My parents were so entertained by the entire thing that they couldn’t stop talking about it for hours.

You know what really bothers me? When you order the same thing three times from a restaurant on three separate occasions, and it tastes different each time. I had lunch at this joint called MBCo. I ordered what I always order there: Pan seared <<sushi>> tuna “club” sandwich. The quotation marks and ridiculous punctuation are theirs, not mine. The first time I had it, it was perfect. The tuna was lightly seared and the flavour was sublime. The second time I had it, they put so much wasabi aioli that I thought my sinuses were going to start bleeding. Today, there wasn’t any wasabi at all and the sandwich had roasted red peppers and sliced cherry tomatoes in it. What the fuck? Still good, though.

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